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Bday:11th of January

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Saturday, November 05, 2005

galing ito kay Mary....
pinadala nya from e-mail....

A long read but worth it! = )
Advice for the married, planning to get married,single but not available, single and available, no love life.

Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the AteneoManila University, Philippines, where he hadFather Ferriols as professor. Father Ferriols, atthat time was the Philosophy department head.Currently he still teaches Philosophy for graduatingcollege students in Ateneo. Father Ferriols hasbeen very popular for his mind opening andenriching classes but was also notorious for thegrades he gives. Still people took his classes forthe learning and deep insight they take home withthem every day (if only they could do somethingabout the grades...)

Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo hasletter grading systems, the highest being an A,lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr. Ferriols had thislong discussion with the registrar people becausehe wanted to give Calasanz an A+. Either that orhe doesn't teach at all...Calasanz got his A+.Read the paper below to find out why.

by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to beloved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fearmarriage. Something about the closure seemsconstricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easierto understand for what it cuts out of our lives thanfor what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. Idid not want to make a mistake. I saw my friendsget married for reasons of social acceptability, orsexual fever, or just because they thought it wasthe logical thing to do. Then I watched, as theyand their partners became embittered and petty intheir dealings with each other. I looked at oldercouples and saw, at best, mutual toleration ofeach other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nightsand bickering and could not imagine subjectingmyself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see oldcouples who somehow seemed to glow in eachother's presence. They seemed really in love, notjust dependent upon each other and tolerant ofeach other's foibles. It was an astounding sight,and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself,can they have survived so many years ofsameness, so much irritation at the other's habits?What keeps love alive in them, when most of usseem unable to even stay together, much less loveeach other? The central secret seems to be inchoosing well. There is something to the claim offundamental compatibility. Good people can createa bad relationship, even though they both dearlywant the relationship to succeed. It is important tofind someone with whom you can create a goodrelationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it ishard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colorsthe way you see yourselves together. It blinds youto the thousands of little things by whichrelationships eventually survive or fail. You need tofind a way to see beyond this initial overwhelmingsexual fascination. Some people choose to involvethemselves sexually and ride out the most heatedperiod of sexual attraction in order to see what ison the other side. This can work, but it can alsoleave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny thesexual side altogether in an attempt to get to knoweach other apart from their sexuality. But theycannot see clearly, because the presence ofunfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that itkeeps them from having any normal perception ofwhat life would be like together. The truly luckypeople are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attractedto each other. They get to know each other'slaughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They seeeach other at their worst and at their best. Theyshare time together before they get swept into theentangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fallunder the spell of your sexual attractionimmediately, you need to look beyond it for otherkeys to compatibility. One of these is laughter.Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy eachother's company over the long term. If yourlaughter together is good and healthy, and not atthe expense of others, then you have a healthyrelationship to the world. Laughter is the child ofsurprise. If you can make each other laugh, youcan always surprise each other. And if you canalways surprise each other, you can always keepthe world around you new. Beware of a relationshipin which there is no laughter. Even the mostintimate relationships based only on seriousnesshave a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing acommon serious viewpoint on the world tends toturn you against those who do not share the sameviewpoint, and your relationship can become basedon being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with theworld in a way you respect. When two people firstget together, they tend to see their relationship asexisting only in the space between the two ofthem. They find each other endlessly fascinating,and the overwhelming power of the emotions theyare sharing obscures the outside world. As therelationship ages and grows, the outside worldbecomes important again. If your partner treatspeople or circumstances in a way you can'taccept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look atthe way she cares for others and deals with thedaily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more,your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If youdo not respect the way you each deal with theworld around you, eventually the two of you will notrespect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts themysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry andpracticality, and the real life of the heart resides inthe poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by themystery of the unseen in life and relationships,while the other is drawn only to the literal and thepractical, you must take care that the distancedoesnt become an unbridgeable gap that leavesyou each feeling isolated andmisunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must findthem by ourself. We all have unchangeable partsof our hearts that we will not betray and privatecommitments to a vision of life that we will notdeny. If you fall in love with someone who cannotnourish those inviolable parts of you, or if youcannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselvesgrowing further apart until you live in separateworlds where you share the business of life, butnever touch each other where the heart lives anddreams. From there it is only a small leap to thecataloging of petty hurts and daily failures thatleaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied withtheirmates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you willhave chosen a partner with whom you can grow,and then the real miracle of marriage can takeplace in your hearts. I pick my words carefullywhen I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not toostrong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It iscalled transformation. Transformation is one of themost common events of nature. The seedbecomes the flower. The cocoon becomes thebutterfly. Winter becomes spring and lovebecomes a child. We never question these,because we see them around us every day. To usthey are not miracles, though if we did not knowthem they would be impossible to believe.Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.Our love is planted like a seed, and in time itbegins to flower. We cannot know the flower thatwill blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom willcome. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, thebloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or forthe wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We arequite willing to accept the reality of negativetransformation in a marriage. It was negativetransformation that always had me terrified of thebitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.It never occurred to me to question the darkmiracle that transformed love into harshness andbitterness. Yet I was unable to accept thepossibility that the first heat of love could betransformed into something positive that wasactually deeper and more meaningful than the heatof fresh passion. All I could believe in was thepower of this passion and the fear that when itcooled I would be left with something lesser andbitter. But there is positive transformation as well.Like negative transformation, it results from a slowaccretion of little things. But instead of death by athousand blows, it is growth by a thousandtouches of love. Two histories intermingle. Twoseparate beings, two separate presence, twoseparate consciousnesses come together andshare a view of life that passes before them. Theyremain separate, but they also become one. Thereis an expansion of awareness, not a closure and aconstriction, as I had once feared. This is not tosay that there is not tension and there are nottraps. Tension and traps are part of every choice oflife, from celibate to monogamous to havingmultiple lovers. Each choice contains within it thelingering doubt that the road not taken somehowmore fruitful and exciting, and each becomesdulled to the richness that it alone contains. Butonly marriage allows life to deepen and expandand be leavened by the knowledge that two havechosen, against all odds, to become one. Thosewho live together without marriage can know thepleasure of shared company, but there is aspecific gravity in the marriage commitment thatdeepens that experience into something richer andmore complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should notrush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act offaith and it contains within it the power oftransformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have foundsomeone with whom you are able to grow, if youhave sufficient faith that you can resist the endlessattraction of the road not taken and the partner notchosen, if you have the strength of heart toembrace the cycles and seasons that your lovewill experience, then you may be ready to seekthe miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait.The easy grace of a marriage well made is worthyour patience. When the time comes, a thousandflowers will bloom...endlessly.

blogged at 11:30 PM

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